He uses pillows to masturbate.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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