You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
