If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
