I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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