my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
