I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Randomize
