Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
