Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
