apparently the secret to your success is patron
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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