you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
When are your genitals available?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
