Im at strip club and am horny
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
