My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
