The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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