So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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