Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I accidentally had phone sex last night
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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