bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
