after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
