Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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