I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
