My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
where are my eyebrows?
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
