saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Randomize
