okay pat passed out under dana's car
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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