Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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