My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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