Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
