Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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