I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
