dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
