There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
