Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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