I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
