69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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