I heard we made out
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
