Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
