Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
