Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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