I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
this must be what syphilis tastes like
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
