I bet he comes in French.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
