My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
