walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Randomize
