atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
