He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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