why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
