So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
