I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
