you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Girls should come with a carfax report
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
