i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
There's always time for handjobs
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Randomize
