grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
