Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
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Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
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Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat