Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.