I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
We need to rekindle our bromance
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
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She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
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No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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