I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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