Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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