im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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