I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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