he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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