btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
