i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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