I need to stop coming to work sober
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
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